I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
