How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
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Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
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I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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