They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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