Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
