So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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