Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
