she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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