I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
