I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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