if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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