Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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