oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
