My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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