I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
