Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
