dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
