OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
