yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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