I just saw a hot homeless man
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
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I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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