you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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