She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
