the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
