She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
