Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
