i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
