I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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