Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
