You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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