I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
