I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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