wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize