i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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