you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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