ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
