Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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