there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
