Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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