anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
