It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
