Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
