wrigley field is MILF paradise
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
