$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
