A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My dick has a subreddit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
