So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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