I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize