if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
