When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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