So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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