I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
