If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
