Tell her she can't have a vagina
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
