new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
