The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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