"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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