Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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