how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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