we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
