i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
