wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
