I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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