Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
