bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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